a dream

I walked the streets in a city of my own construction, wandering the nameless avenues, looking for landmarks. I spoke to people with no decernable expressions, asking directions. Their answers were nonsensical and nearly impossible to hear. Unsure of my own destination, I found myself in a district of warehouses and grids of criss-crossing railway tracks imbedded in worn blacktop. Every road decends here, in a vast plain of empty buildings and unused electrical circuits.

I went toward the nearest door, thinking, as one does in dreams, that it would lead me somewhere. As I stepped down into the deserted street off the curb, the door opened slowly outward toward me and a figure began to appear. I stopped, aware of the pounding in my chest. As the figure became more solid, my breathing became shallow and irregular. There was something familiar about the shape of the body, something distinctly, unpleasantly, familiar, and I backed away, and tripped and fell over the curb. I was so afraid that once I had connected with the solidity of the cold pavement I couldn't get up. I lay there on my stomach with my face pressed against the street. I felt someone kneel beside me and a warm palm touched my back and stayed there, exerting a gentle pressure, making it impossible for me to get up or even turn over. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt a single tear of terror slide down my face and across the bridge of my nose. While I was trying to find a scream, a face came close to my ear and began to whisper. It was the voice of a woman, soft and melifluous, chanting in my ear,"You know what I am and you know what I can do. "

I struggled to free myself like a cockroach pinned to a countertop by a toothpick. I threw my fist backward toward her face several times in an attempt to make her stop repeating those words, over an over, into my ear, "you know what I am and you know what I can do!" Finally my fist connected with the hated mouth and slipped, as if intended to choke those words down her throat, directly into it. I could feel the warm saliva covering my hand.

Suddenly, I was awake. Sitting upright in my bed, I found the scream!


Pocket change hit the hardwood floor in the room beneath me. I struggled to catch my breath as feet pounded up the stairs and down the hall toward my room. I was holding my fist in front of my face. It was wet with saliva.

1995-untitled

I write now like I used to drink,
turn words up like a bottle,
slam the shotglass down on the bar
like a curse word, shit or fuck,
whiskey or tequila, and all
in anger.

It's the same disease, brother,
the same function or dysfunction,
the same kind of disassociation,
like some sweet grenadine thing
that makes you puke that night
and have a headache the next day,

and I cannot scream,
though that is how I feel,
and I cannot cry, though the tears
wait on the rims of my lids,
I cannot eat because what I am
hungry for is not on the shelf at Safeway,

so I write like I used to drink,
throw back syntax like it was Wild Turkey,
mix metaphors and tenses like
vodka and vermouth,
tap whatever keg I can
to get it out of my body and
into the toilet,

I write like I used to drink,
like a madwoman who can't get a buzz,
like a sailor who's been out at sea too long,
like my heart is breaking,
because if I don't,

I might need a cocktail.

inuendo

now i understand the coyote,
rockets on his roller skates,
tenacious and appealing.
you toss explosives onto my desert floor
and i am easily done in.
there is a wide place in the road
and you are there
and i am on the verge
like some kind of hitchiker.
i turn the signs around
and send you in my direction,
i stand dancing as you
race toward me, your arms
reaching out in front of you,
my skin tingling
and itching to be caught up.
i am talking and laughing in circles,
ear to the ground,
listening for the sound
of your acme truck.

Periodic Visitations

Dispatch from JD
30 October 2005


Dawn comes, and we part ways once again.

My dreams becoming distant apparitions.
I turn to the warm wind for help, the wind I felt every time you held me...
As I was bathed in the light that followed on your heels

Spring is announced when the wild plants break out in a dance.
Summer comes to Uji, and in the fields are patterns of grass set out to dry
The autumn moon rises, let's celebrate its fullness.
Winter passes by, and I count off all the days and months again.

I can still see the too-distant blue sky when I close my eyes. (it was so warm.)
As I reminisce, I take your hand as I pluck the flowers and sing (there is no clue.)
Within the memories that are now coming back to me.
I'm setting out to find my way back to you.

Spring is announced when the mountain leaves break out in a dance.
Summer comes to Uji, and in the fields are patterns of grass set out to dry
The autumn moon rises, let's celebrate its fullness.
Winter passes by, and I count off all the days and months again.

Dawn comes, and we part ways once again.

My dreams becoming distant apparitions.
I turn to the warm wind for help, the wind I felt every time you held me...
As I was bathed in the light that followed on your heels

author unknown